Hidden Valley Waterfall

Hidden Valley Waterfall

Friday, April 12, 2013

Fear is enough, sometimes.

Just this week, my team and I had the discussion of children at our weekly team meeting. I am the only one without children, and the conversation became one of "oh, wait until you have your own" and "you don't know what you are missing" statements. And while I agreed that the love a parent shares with their child must be a superbly powerful one, I don't feel the need to engage in that. There are some people who are not meant to have children and I am open to the idea that I may be one of them.

Now, this isn't to say that I will never have, nor adopt, a child of my own. I have no idea what the future holds. But, I do know this: the world is a very scary place, and I am doing the best I can to keep myself happy and safe. Do I really need the added pressure of someone else's life being my responsibility?  I get the will to die to protect the ones you love. I would do anything to protect my family. But, sometimes, all that we can do is not enough.

Just alone in the news today, I read about a man who sawed off his own arms in a Home Depot, a girl that was suspended for sticking up for a mentally handicapped student, a woman who faked cancer to feed her heroin addiction, and a man who faked chest pains to take hostage the firefighters sent to save his very life. The world is full of corrupt people who will lie and cheat, and unfortunately, many who will take the lives of others (movie theater shooting, school shootings, mall parking lot shootings - just to recall a few).

I have a great life. I love kids, and being a preschool teacher allows me to learn from them daily. I see the innocence in them. I see the true love for one another, simply because it feels right and they haven't been taught otherwise yet. I wish we could all stay that way - simple and honest. To care for each other out of a brotherhood of humans, not worry about how to please others, or worse yet, how to steer clear of those that can harm you.

My friends know I am a sucker for babies. But, I'm also a huge sucker for puppies. And I do not want a dog. Now, I am pretty sure I'd never turn down a pygmy elephant, but that's a long time away. All I know now, in this moment, is that the world is full of diseases, rapists, murderers, thieves, and so many other things that frighten the hell out of me sometimes. How fair is that to my child? Hey honey, mommy loves you, and I've taught you right from wrong, but you have to know that not everyone has those morals. Not everyone is understanding and forgiving. Not everyone is non-violent. And if my child is born gay (YES, I believe 150% that it is genetic), than I have to worry about the ridicule he or she will face - even from within the family.

Again, I am not swearing off children for good. But, I am keeping an open mind to the possibility that I am going to have a fulfilling life traveling, and not become a mother. I am ok with that. If only I could say the same about the state of others. But, the world makes me sad at times. And other times, it just downright scares the hell out of me. So, I will continue to let people make their "someday it will be your turn" statements. In the meantime, I'll live life the best I can for me. And if that time comes for me (motherhood), I'm sure I'll need a lot of anti-anxiety medications to get through it!!  Thank goodness I have the amazing mother that I have to guide me along life's way.

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