Hidden Valley Waterfall

Hidden Valley Waterfall

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Owning up to our own "diagnoses"

Years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety. I told some, but not many. I, admittedly, thought of it as a "weaker" condition of who I thought I really was. Now, I know better. But what do young 20's really know, right? Anyway, I medicated for a while, then got better, so stopped the meds. I managed to do just fine until 2006. That is the year I started grad school and the year my father passed away. Needless to say, many sleepless nights followed. I drank when I could, smoked, and just kept telling myself that I was stressed and would get through it, like before. And, eventually I did. Then, I moved to VA. The pattern continued. I would go through bouts of crying for no reason, being very emotional, and well, a downright bitch. But, I always got through it, and mostly alone.

Prior to moving to Kazakhstan, I was having major breakdowns. Again, I saw a dr. She suggested that my "situational anxiety" didn't need meds, but just some coping strategies. I was referred to a shrink. That lasted 4 sessions. I was literally "kicked out" of therapy! Well, she said I could keep going back, but basically, needed medicated. I refused both options. I moved on. And now, due to work being crazy and things changing, I'm back at it. I once had an ex who said I treated them like one of my students - always trying to control behaviors, etc. Although this person is the not the most mentally stable to be telling me this, it was the truth. And I find myself doing it with another person - my mom. I do not mean to try to control things. But, having control makes me feel like I am not battling with stress, anxiety, etc. Being able to control things makes me feel like I am "ok".

I bring this up, and publicly, to get two things across. One: It's never to late to admit your weaknesses. I can only learn to better myself and be a better teacher by admitting who I truly am. And two: (and most importantly) to say "SORRY". There is one person in this world who has stood by me through many of trials and errors. A person who has seen the positive side of me, even when I was only showing ugly. A person who has never been afraid to be my biggest fan, even when I didn't deserve it. And to this amazingly wonderful and beautiful woman that is my MOM, I thank you. I never mean to hurt you (nor anyone) with my anxiety, but I truly am sorry when I do.

So, I ask each of you to do this one task after you read this. Ask yourself, "What is one thing I do that could be better directed in another way?"  And if you can't think of one thing you could "work on", then email me privately. You all know me. I'm honest as hell. I'll tell you the answer! ;)

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